Today was the day I decided to talk to my GP and see what happens [; To say it was embarrassing and counter-productive is not enough... He said that every job is stressful and that I should either change my job or work part time. How bloody helpful.
The whole appointment lasted maybe 2 minutes and he got rid of me by handing me a leaflet about a local 'Talking therapy'. When I left I realised I got a ticket for bad parking...
I really wanted to avoid admitting that I have THESE problems, didn't want to have it in my records and I was thinking of changing a job. Having done some job hunting I can't really see any job I would like to do. The problem is that I really love teaching, but working in a big institution is unbearable.
On Monday morning (after a week off from work, when I thought I' m ok, no more stress nonsense) I woke up and when I thought of going to work I had an instant stomach cramp, headache and loads of tears coming to my eyes. That was it, that was the moment. I thought 'what if '..? What if I don't turn up? Will the world evolve without me?
It took me about 10 seconds to make a decision. I thought of a phrase: ' If you pass away your employer will replace you within a few days. Your friends and family will mourn for months'. I decided to prioritize myself before other people (I avoid the term ' my students' because it implies I am a super dooper, indispensable queen of teaching on a mission to save 'my students' from arrogance) and I phoned sick. Reason: work related stress. I finally admitted it.
I used to believe I am a super important person doing a super important job and I can't fail. Guess what, I don't need it any more.
As I can't find a job I would like to do I really want to try freelance work. I know of a few remarkable women who did.
Maybe I will write about them in the next post and I will give you an update about the 'Talking therapy'.
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